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I remember watching the most beautiful human forms in California. Strong limber bodies with muscles that seemed to pop out of no-where and play peek-a-boo with my insecurities.

As a volumptous, curvy woman I forever yearned to have a body that could serve my adventerous appetite for play and dance, not just decadent food and delerious parties.

Once again, I found another ‘fashionable diet’ I mean LIFESTYLE, that would bring me the results I so longingly pined for. I saw it work for so many others, it HAD to work for me! Right?

So, it started with a BlendTec and some kale. I would add a little fruit, and a ton of supplements, making something that tasted like the bottom of an aquarium. I held on, sprouting, dehydrating, blending and running to the health food store for more random shit that I never knew existed, but HAD to get because it would; help me stop craving carbs (source), or give me more energy (source).

I had plenty of energy, but I did not have balance. I was a wild ocean! I would tsunami all my effort into a meal, and then be met with another day to do it all again. Time was my enemy and life always seemed to get in the way. It was clear that without still waters, my well became dry. All that fire-some energy would fizzle out as fast as its flash. Even as I write this I sit in pristine workout clothes and sneak to smoke one of my roommates cigarettes.

I realize, I am NOT a paraody, but a person with her own equalibrium.

I am human. I strive for my best, and still struggle to achieve better everyday. Some days I inspire and surprise myself, other days, I wish to be someone else.

Today is another new day.

Weight has always been an issue for me. I have struggled on many diets, trained at multiple gyms, given sound advice that has helped friends, and became personally educated on food, nutrition, health and well-being.

Sometimes my balance is harder to reach and consumption is what calms the wild ocean inside. I have discovered that food helps restore and maintain balance, and well-being is accepting what is, and what simply can’t be.

I am not a raw foodie.

I am a person, struggling but not suffering, trying to find her own answer to solve her karmic problem.

I believe that health is a personal journey in which no one person, fad, system or THING can maintain such an epic change. Aside from trauma or death, there is not just one influence that lies on the outside of experience that can cause a sincere change within. It has to come from within.

For me, while being a raw foodie I was met with many imbalances; money, security, time, need, and my past.

Raw food did not change me from within. Neither did all those gyms, Eating right for my blood type, or Food for Life.

What lies within is an epic battle for true balance. My quest is about accepting my path to find my way of balance. I have finally let go of the rush to get there and truly accepted the space to BE there.

Raw desserts, vegan ice-creams. They make me happy. When faced with a swallowing binge I am satisfied after a subtle consumption. I am amazed at how little I need when its filled with raw organic cacao.  It gives me balance, especially after laughing with friends while eating a steak and celebrating with wine.

It’s all just a moment anyway.